A taste of recovery

Last night I went to sleep at 4pm, of course I woke up a few times to take care of my son whom was still awake playing with his toys and tablet. I put my phone on silence, put the TV show Supernatural, which I have watched at least 3 times already, and crashed out. I woke up this morning feeling different, a little bit anxious and sad, but yet something was different. I’ve been crying for the last 8 days, but today I decided I don’t have this luxury anymore, I have to keep on going because I need to rearrange my life once more and time isn’t going to stop and wait up for me. I had my break of feeling my emotions and let them manifest, by staying in bed, crying and doing very little, if none at all, of self care. My emotions cannot lead my life, I probably should even put a pause on them for a while; how do you do that? Every time a memory or bad thoughts comes to sneak in my brain, I shut it down, “it doesn’t matter anymore”, rip the band-aid off, “maybe once things settle I can cry it out again, but not today, not now”. And so on… It doesn’t work every time, of course, since I’ve been trying to do this for the last 8 days and I kept crawling back into the hole. But I will keep trying everyday, because the more you try, the closer you get to feeling what you want to feel, the more you put these empowering and positive thoughts in your brain, daily, the more your brain will believe it. Have you ever heard ‘fake it, till you make it’? Is kind of like that, and what we call muscle memory or brain training.

I have come to think that mental health recovery is like starting a fire inside you to keep you warm and comfortable. The problem is that no one taught you how to start a fire, so you have no idea of where to begin; and there's no easy away, the only way to start is to just start. And get ready for a slow and hard process, because once you decide you want to get and be better, is like 'Life' takes it as a personal challenge to test you and see how bad you really want it.

You figure out how to light that fire, after having it dying over and over again, because you wake up every morning having to start it again, or maybe someone just threw sand on it; there you go and question yourself "Can I keep doing this? Why is it so hard? Should I even keep trying?" and so you try again. But with practice comes mastery. Time has passed, you are a pro on lighting up that fire that keeps you warm, you know no matter how many times ‘Life happens’ or ‘People happens’, you can find that comfort inside you, because you have had a taste of life with recovery… And wind... or a hurricane will hit you unexpectedly and brutally, because the more you learn and the stronger you get, the harder Life will make it for you, just like in a video game where each level gets more difficult. And sometimes all you can light up is a candle… That’s enough to keep you going, until you find yourself again. And it’s okay if you are tired, and you want to sit with just that one candle by your side for a while, take a break, but never quit… because yes, is hard and a slow process, but quitting won’t speed it up.