I’m a 24 years young, Night Pet Care Specialist, Twitch Streamer and last but definitely not least, single mom. I have been diagnosed with Depression. But I have been mentioned to suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder and social anxiety (extreme social anxiety), pretty sure there’s a big part of General Anxiety and tendency to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Why only diagnosed with depression? I was always too scared of saying all that ran through my brain, since I have close people to me that scared me about the hospitalization environment. Why self diagnose? I like to call myself out when I’m wrong, I love to learn about how the brain works, starting with mine. I have done research (not a professional, just teamed up with Google) and I have seen the patterns.
I have moved so many times since I can remember, yes, since I was a child. Had a very unstable path growing up. Became an adult and things haven’t gotten much better. In the last year I have moved 4 times, going on 5. Yes, I repeat, in just 1 year. But this time is one of if not the hardest one so far. I have never lived on my own. For many reasons this terrified me, just the thought of being by myself? Alone? Uhh, no. I need constant attention, didn’t you read? Depression? BPD? Needy. This seemed like the worst. I separated my ex, less than a year ago, first move. My mom helped me out, let me stay in the living room with my 3 years baby. I just took with me my clothes in a suitcase, my son’s, a Tv, my Xbox One, makeup, and like? 200 dollars? Maybe less. And one day, perhaps, I’ll share the whole story of this year, but for now, back to the moving.
I moved. I remember absolutely HATING when people told me how someday I will have my own place, trying to make me feel better, but to me it was an anxiety trigger… I mean, are you telling me that beside me being alone? I have now to take care and provide for someone else, when I don’t even know what to do with myself? I have no degree, no car, not even a bed. NO. There’s no way I can do this. Bad thoughts, bad thoughts, a train of terrifying thoughts. I didn’t know how to become the person that I’ve envisioned, that strong, independent single mother. SHIT. I haven’t even been able to keep a job for longer than 4 months. My anxiety, my depression, I’m tired all the time. And I can probably write a whole new post about my life of having to work with a sick brain. Back to the moving. I had nothing. Terrified about living by myself.
In the process of healing in order to become someone that I could look up to, I decided I was going to stop thinking about the whole living by myself situation, since it would just trigger anxiety attacks and I needed to be okay.
We moved, my mom, my son and me, to a house my mom bought! Yay! Still scared about this living by myself situation. It was not anymore the silence and loneliness, it was still a little bit of me taking care of someone by myself, since my mom has been helping me. Now it was more of, what if I can’t be able to afford a place for my son and me? What if I lose my job? Or need a second job? But hey, I didn’t need to think about this just yet, because no one was kicking me out. Right?! Double yay!
Third time is the charm? So the say goes. I moved in with my best friend, super close to my job, it was pretty great. I felt very independent, not needing my family as much, kind of scary, but not living by myself, you know? Is a gray area. You could say. Spent a couple of months, but it wasn’t working out. We thought it would be best for me to move back to my mom’s. I wasn’t thrilled about it; I had to make some changes and adaptations, also having my job being so far again, depending on my mom, even though she suggested for me to pay rent, so it wasn’t going to be the same as when I left, which is good. And hey, at least I had somewhere to go, right? Maybe that fourth time was the one. Because seriously, I’m tired, so tired.
The physical and mental exhaustion that just comes naturally with moving, for me it was double the brain tiredness. I never reacted good to changes and the anxiety of new adaptations would put me in bad places, but not as much anymore, which was very good.
Now what? Why the fifth time is coming? Why indeed… My mom is selling the house. She told me within the first week of being back, and she has mentioned of maybe renting the house, but wasn’t sure since I was going to be able to pay some rent. But oh well, selling, and now what do I do? Honestly? Not sure. But I will tell you this, is incredible how you much you can change in your brain in just one year… in less than one year in fact. I took it pretty bad the first few days, I’m not going to lie. I’m still not sure if I can afford to live by myself, but I do know that I have enough for the first month and taking care of someone? Is an honor. I know how to take care of myself now, I have seen all that I have been capable of doing and that I never thought I actually could, in the last 300 something days. I have my own car, soon I will have my first anniversary at work, and my son has his own bed. It still hits me sometimes, and it scares me a little bit, but hey, I never thought I would be able to drive on the highways, and guess what? I’m such a pro now.
Comments